Shop More Submit  Join Login
×

:iconentitaria: More from Entitaria


Featured in Collections

Writing by DreamFutureAis

Great Reads by Rovanna

Critiqued Literature by TheFS


More from deviantART



Details

Submitted on
November 2, 2012
File Size
1.8 KB
Submitted with
Sta.sh
Link
Thumb

Stats

Views
311
Favourites
15 (who?)
Comments
10
×
Tap.

Click.

Tap, tap, tap.



Snap.



Tap. Click, click.


Tap, tap, click, click.

Tap, tap, tap, tap, click.


-----

"That won't help."

She leaned against the door-frame, a variance of colours following in her wake.

I sighed. Slouching, shuffling to the side a little. "I know." I pushed the mouse away.

She hummed, stepping into the room, taking in the stark white colour, papers scattered around, sketches half-done. A single notepad on the pale desk.

"I know."

The colours around her seemed dull for a moment. Vanished altogether, eyes downcast, while open. "Here." Her hand reached into her pocket, reappearing with a pen and butterfly pin.

I took the pen.

"Humph." She took another step, and turned my face. "You're wearing this whether you like it or not, and you know perfectly well why." She swivelled my chair around.

I didn't fight it.

Only stared blankly at the mirrored image of the room. A slight prickling sensation, at the base of my neck, transformed, as a cool metal seeped into my skin. I focused on my reflection, seeing the cool, black, metal spirals around my neck, the butterfly now a part of my skin, embedded between my collar bones.

The shape moved, slightly, ever so slightly. An almost blindingly cold blue.

"Hey."

A hand shook me out of my reverie.

"We, need to leave."

-----

Dear, sweet girl. Why are you still dreaming?



"I... am dreaming, because..."
Add a Comment:
 
:iconthefs:
My name’s Ed, hello! I’ll be leaving you feedback thanks to #SuperWritersHelp!

I love the opening. It’s very simple and very effective. The progression from italics, to regular, to bold works well to heighten the effect. Even after finishing reading, I’m not sure what the desired effect was, but nonetheless, I think it works well.

Some specific notes/comments:
-I’d be temped to have “That won’t help.” on a line of its own. It’s more cutting.
-“I sighed. Slouching, shuffling to the side a little.” – lovely alliteration
-How can you ‘tak[e] in the stark white colour’ of a room. This doesn’t really mean anything. What effect does it mean? By taking something in, there needs to be a reaction on the part of the ‘taker-iner’. It could be more interesting to hear its effect.
-"Here." (capital S)he reached into her pocket(period) Her hand reappear(ed) with a pen and butterfly pin.” – the use of ‘ing’ modifies the last action, in this case reaching into her pocket. You use ‘reappearing’ as an inverse modifier that actually creates another action in a chronological order. They need to be stated as separate.
-“She took another step, turned my face.” – there should either be an ‘and’ between these two clauses, or a semicolon and ‘she’.
“She took another step and turned my face.”
“She took another step; she turned my face.”
-“I didn't fight it.” – nice. It’s simple, but effective at portraying their relationship, and trust.
-“Only stared blankly at the mirrored image of the entire room.” – this sentence is missing a subject. Could be rephrased as: ‘I stared blankly at…’
-“The shape moved, slightly, ever so slightly. An almost blindingly cold blue.” – favourite line. The repetition is good, and the image of blindingly cold blue (alliteration) works really well. A good, creative job.
-The end is equally creative. It’s like a dream, where you wake up before the actual important discovery. I really like it. It leaves the meaning ambiguous.

Overall, it’s a lovely piece, with a good amount of description. There’s not much by the way of explanation, but I think that doesn’t matter. You’ve created a new world through character decisions (like the acceptance of whatever happened with the butterfly) and it seems real enough for the reader to accept and enjoy.

There’s nothing really I can say to improve it. It’s wonderful how it is! =D
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

Please sign up or login to post a critique.

:iconrovanna:
Rovanna Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2013   Digital Artist
Thought I'd start reading this from the start. :D

Nice, I like the dreamlike atmosphere. It's very intriguing. (One thing with the pin, did she stab her with the pin?)
Reply
:iconentitaria:
Entitaria Featured By Owner Jan 11, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
Ahaha~ thank you, I was aiming for that atmosphere! :la:

And yup, it was more like a pin prick though, so just gently pushing it in slightly. :P
Reply
:iconmonsterzrscary:
monsterzrscary Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
this is very cool, i understand why you'd keep your motivations to yourself, plus it adds a surreal effect to the writing, i like it :thumbsup:
Reply
:iconentitaria:
Entitaria Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you. :heart: It's interesting to hear that the description adds to the atmosphere, I suppose it's always a good thing to consider. :)
Reply
:iconmonsterzrscary:
monsterzrscary Featured By Owner Nov 16, 2012  Student Traditional Artist
youre welcome:)
Reply
:iconphinnimonster:
Phinnimonster Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012   General Artist
This is written rather engrossingly, I like it!
Reply
:iconentitaria:
Entitaria Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Wew, thank you! Slightly surprised though, didn't expect a good response! :XD:
Reply
:icondreamfutureais:
DreamFutureAis Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Woah. I like it. :wow:
Reply
:iconentitaria:
Entitaria Featured By Owner Nov 2, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! It means a lot. :heart:
Reply
:icondreamfutureais:
DreamFutureAis Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome. :hug:
Reply
Add a Comment: