Deviation Actions
Literature Text
Her hand had been latched onto when she was standing in the village, quite a trek away now that they had been stomping upwards for so long. She remembered how she had felt afraid of the strange way the inhabitants had been staring at her, all too ready to condemn her for what she was, and as she felt the same cold-fear sweep through her bones, her dazed eyes focused on the small tent, slowly becoming more visible through the blizzard.
Reaching the tent she felt her hand set free from the one she once referred to as a boy, and didn't hesitate in taking a step back from him, gently massaging where he had held over the aching bone.
"W-why-?"
She suddenly became aware of her dry throat, her voice coming out a little too roughly, and then with building determination, and anger asked "Why did you drag me halfway up a mountain?!" Silently, she added every other question she was practically shouting at him in her head; 'Why didn't you let me finish talking to them? I was in no danger! Where have you been all these years? How did you find me? Who told you where I was?'
Fear. The same kind that resonated so perfectly with the snow surrounding her, had yet to die down.
He regarded her with a blank stare.
Choosing not to answer he simply took hold of her bruising wrist again, taking her to the edge of the cliff. He pushed her forward, gently this time, but not so much that it didn't stop her from losing her balance, his grip being the only thing preventing her from falling in that moment.
He let go again.
The sheer drop in front of her was terrifying. She couldn't see more than ten metres down, gusts of snow obscuring her vision. Turning so quickly it almost gave her whiplash, she gave a confused look and noticed that he was now standing in front of the tent.
In that one moment, she felt herself immersed in memory, trying to remember when he had actually walked, and practically skipped, out of her life, without so much as a goodbye. Or an explanation.
Her questioning look turned into one of disdain.
He was still regarding her with a blank look when he finally chose to speak;
"You're always running."
With that said, he turned back around, this time taking the path on the left heading even further up.
Somehow she understood, that he wanted her to wait exactly where she was. Her ever present fear was dulled slightly as she focused her gaze onto the distance. Or what was visible of it at least.
And waited.
Critique courtesy of GrammarNaziCritiques:
I have been told (though personally I don't fully appreciate) that -ly words like “reluctantly” make a sentence weaker, especially when used for unnecessary reasons. In your case, “reluctantly letting herself be dragged” is unnecessary, because the shorter “letting herself be dragged” would imply that reluctance without saying it. Same thing with “Desperately” since again that “where on earth” implies her desperation.
What does it mean to not realize she wasn't feeling cold? So she thinks she should be cold and hasn't yet realized that she isn't? Is she superhuman with cold resistance but doesn't know yet? Is she wearing a lot of bulky clothes that we haven't been shown? Is she too distracted by this sudden predicament to think about anything else, even the things she should be noticing automatically?
I like the moment where she asks one question and has a bunch more that she doesn't say, it allows the scene to feel real while revealing a lot more about what wasn't shown: we now know that she was dragged away from people she was talking to and who might seem dangerous, and meanwhile he has been mysteriously gone and now has mysteriously re-entered her life.
I like the drama of being pushed to the edge of the cliff and almost over the edge, but if you write that “his grip being the only thing preventing her from falling in that moment. He let go again” I expect her to fall. For a moment it actually feels like she does, what with the terrifying drop and the gusts of snow, but then he's just standing in front of that tent and the scene just goes on as if nothing happened so I have to assume that nothing happened. Personally I would like to see a little clearer what just happened, I'm guessing she fall to her knees at the edge but not over the side? But I kinda saw her hanging out over the edge with only his grip keeping her there.
“Practically skipped” implies a jovial nature and somewhat silly behavior, neither of which really matches the mood of this piece.
I don't really understand the message of this piece. So he says that she is always running, yet he was the one who dragged her away from possibly-dangerous people that I guess for once she wasn't running away from, to this remote and dangerous location where normally a person would run away from, and now he is running away from explaining why he brought her or explaining why he ran away from her all those years ago. I like his completely-human hypocrisy I suppose, but I feel like the piece is trying to be more than that.
There's almost a sexist undertone, as if he's implying “A woman's place is to tend the home (tent) and not run away. A man's place is to leave the home (go up the mountain) into danger.” And then she just accepts it and waits there. I kinda wish she would go with him and have adventures.
Weirdly enough I got a very Frozen vibe from this piece. The ice princess, who in the movie was running away from others in fear of her powers, is here dragged up the mountain by someone who cares about her and wants to see her stop running. I wish it didn't have to be a stereotypical silent male figure taking away her power and I wish not running away didn't have to become stay right here while I sort this out. Running away is not the same as running in to danger, which is where he seems to be going while saying that she should not.
I can see the setting very well, I can see the windswept mountain path and flurries of snow and limited view distance. In fact, any more detail (such as if a majestic mountain peak was described) and you would lose that limited view distance, which gives the piece a minimalistic feel.
The emotions from her are believable, I can see that she's confused and worried and just a little angry and I know why. From him though I get nothing. Is he stoic? Dumb? Angry? Just plain emotion-less? I get a strong “video game player character” vibe from him, he's a blank slate that we can imprint our own reasoning and emotions on.
Good quick dramatic piece, a story start perhaps. Any more questions?